Gentle Suggestion: Don’t Read This While Eating

If you enjoy discussing bodily fluids then by all means, forge on my friend because the following is an enumeration and dissection of the absurd things yoga practioners do, and bodily fluids play a substantial role in that subject. RunonsentenceOOULEOUALGLK. Alright, back to the topic at hand. For starters, it seems that yogis have found an endless fount of uses for their own urine, including but not limited to: drinking it, washing the eyes out with it, and putting it on the skin for- wait for it- 2 hours. It gives the complexion a radiant glow. These are practices I’ve yet to explore, but who knows what the future holds.

A practice I HAVE adopted, almost daily, is one called Vamana Dhauti. I’ll begin with the summation my yoga teacher provided when explaining this process to us in class: “You drink a lot of water, put your fingers in your throat, make yourself vomit and this is yoga.” Sure, she’s not a native English speaker but this is actually an alarmingly accurate description. If you’re a normal human who’s ever been semi-conscious in any high school health class, the above description is probably sending you into a fit of mind spasms associated with eating disorders. Don’t worry, you can stop brain convulsing. Vamana Dhauti is 1) performed strictly first thing in the morning with an entirely empty stomach, thereby rendering the eating disorder component completely ineffective and 2) done with the intention of internal cleansing only, and has zero effect on weight. Liken it to swishing water around in the mouth and spitting it out. Now imagine the kinds of things that would come out of your mouth if you hadn’t washed it in 24 years and you’ve got yourself an approximation of the weirdness that my morning Vamana Dhauti produces. Thank me later for that visual! Or thank me now if you’re so inclined, I’m not choosy.

Similarly, last Sunday I practiced Sanka Praksalana for the first time. This is a cleansing technique that follows the same strand of logic as Vamana Dhauti but this time we’re cleaning the intestines. Yeah, let your mind go there. Think: salt water and physical movements that stimulate the digestive tract followed by a torrential downpour of sorts. I really don’t know if I even need to go on, I trust that your imaginations can conjure up something stunning for this one.

In related news, I’ve made the really unfortunate decision to commit to veganism, ok vegetarianism, FINE pescatarianism. Crazy hippies brainwashed me again! Though I guess some may argue that it can’t qualify as brainwashing if a) the information is true and b) I’m a willing participant. Whatever the case, everyone knows that being a pescatarian is the most non-commital of all the lifestyle eating options in existence, which is obviously the reason I chose it. OH, and I’ll still be eating turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas ‘cuz I’m a patriot for goodness sake and not doing so would be Ludacris, spelled this way instead of this way (I’d like a report back on how many consecutive times you watch that video now that I’ve reminded you of its existence. My count was roughly 47.) I don’t expect your congratulations on this development because it’s the most ridiculously half-hearted commitment of all time because I totally don’t seek outside affirmation of my choices.

Speaking of turkey-eating, what are you all doing for Thanksgiving?? I’m incredibly fortunate- my dad has traveled all the way to Koh Phangan for a visit so we get to spend the holiday together. The man is a champion, folks- he weathered the FOUR flights and a ferry ride without so much as a word of complaint or a nap (“It really wasn’t that bad. People make it seem worse than it actually is.”) In related and equally important news, my dad is cooler than your dad because I commissioned him to bring me some nail stickers from the States (obviously the natural priority when requesting items from your motherland) and he brought houndstooth. You heard me, HOUNDSTOOTH. I couldn’t have been more pleased.


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